


Helplessly Satisfied

by ImmigrantPhenomenon



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Alexander Hamilton, Bisexual Character, Bisexual Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Crossdressing, Eventual Smut, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay Character, Gay John Laurens, Gay Sex, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Helpless, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Oral Sex, Past Rape/Non-con, Porn With Plot, Rape/Non-con Elements, Shameless Smut, Smut, Song Lyrics, Song: Satisfied (Hamilton)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-03-14 20:06:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13597401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImmigrantPhenomenon/pseuds/ImmigrantPhenomenon
Summary: It's a modern "Helpless" and "Satisfied" based storyBut this time, John's helpless and the Schuyler Sisters have to be satisfied.





	1. Helpless

“ _ John, get out _ of the bathroom!” Peggy pounded furiously against the door, John giggling to himself. He opened the door, not even getting a good look at her, just a blur pushing past him through the too small bathroom. He closed the door behind her, turning back to the mirror. He saw Peggy sit on the toilet in the mirror, her face making him let out another small chuckle. It did nothing to help the nerves building in his stomach, but he was happy he could still muster a reaction. He wrapped his arms around his bare torso, black shorts clutching his thighs. He was small, skinny, and had no hair  _ anywhere _ except the mass on his head, even if the Sisters said that was a good thing he couldn’t seem to believe them, he was just so…  _ feminine _ . He could feel Peggy’s gaze on him, hearing the toilet flush but not opening his eyes.

“Come on John, we know it’s been a while since you’ve gotten out, this will be good for you!” He looked up to see her gazing at him past the mirror. She was almost taller than him, how did that happen? Her eyes got big, sticking out her bottom lip, “Do it for me?” He made a sour face but nodded his head, his hair losing its hold in the braid, strands falling loosely.

“I don’t even know what I should wear.” She let out a long gasp, smiling widely, instantly regretting what he said.

“Don’t worry, Liza and I got this!” In a second she bolted from the room, leaving John alone with his thoughts again.

He met his gaze in the mirror, letting it travel down his boy again. He was so fucking  _ small _ and  _ skinny _ . His body looked like it was rejecting itself, eating him up from the inside out,  _ getting rid _ of it. He sighed, marks forming on his palms where they dug into the corner of the sink.  _ Damn _ , his hair was long too, pulled back in a messy braid, probably only adding onto the feminine prospect of his body. He heard a clambering down the hallway, Eliza and Peggy’s voices traveling to from the bedroom of Lafayette's apartment down the small corridor and into the bathroom, their bodies soon following. 

Eliza burst into the bathroom, her hands full of multi-colored shirts and various skirts he almost had to take a double take on. Short skirts that looked too small for his skinny frame, only wondering more why Laf owned them. He felt a laugh bubble in his throat but kept it in, not ready to be punished with a skirt.  _ Oh sweet Jesus, _ that would only make him look more like a girl. He didn’t think it could get much worse until he saw the makeup bag in Peggy’s hands, promptly eating and choking on his words. The shorts on his body were basically like tights, almost like long black boxer briefs, and they definitely used that to their advantage. They shut the door and locked it with a click, their bodies squished together in the small bathroom, with so little room Eliza stepped into the shower. The curtain squeaked across the bar, opening up to behold the outfit he was destined to wear. 

He was beholden to a black crop top, looking more like a sports bra or a binder, along with a neon blue mini skirt. He swallowed back any retorts he had, knowing they would get him nowhere, pulling the clothes from her grip. He looked down at the shirt one more time, no way it would be long enough…

Tears welled up in his eyes at the thought, looking at the girls. Eliza was taller than he was. He felt a hand on his shoulder, feeling his headspace take over any rational thinking. The tears spilled down his cheeks, wetting his hands and the shirt.

“I-Is this really the b-best idea?” Their eyes softened dramatically, looking at him with sympathy but also a hard sternness he didn’t want to mess with. Suddenly he felt so small again, he felt his body choking on every bite of food and the feeling of fingers shoved down his throat, keeping the food out. Keeping everything out. He curled up around himself, sitting down on the floor, why, why, why _ whywhywhy- _

“Baby boy, our sweet little brother, we know this isn’t easy for you, especially not after him.” Arms, strong arms wrapping around his body. They were Peggy’s. They were stronger than his. “We know how much it hurts to go back to that place, back to where you met him, but do you remember what she said?” She?  _ Her _ , Maria, only Peggy knew about her. She’d been through the same thing he had. Easy to talk to. Easy to listen to. Easy to understand. 

“Don’t live your l-life in fear. Keep your head high, go, show, be proud.” Proud of what? His body? His mind? He had nothing to be proud of. “Go back to the place you were broken, and build yourself back up. Sh-show them you’re stronger than they are.” Back to the club, back to where he was taken. Where he was raped. Force fed only to force it back up.

_ Sluts like you don’t need to be strong. _

No

_ No _

“ _ N-no, please! _ ” He yelled, whining out to the girls in front of him who only held him tighter. “I can-ca-ca-”

“ _ Can.” _

“C-can?” A nod against his head, Eliza’s chin hitting his braid. “Can. Will.” He felt them pull the skirt over his hips, lifting them with only slight hesitation, allowing them easy access to him. He could trust them. His sisters.  _ Soul sisters _ . Peggy swiped her thumb over his cheek, wiping away the wetness, his tears finally having tampered to a stop. He lifted his arms and let them slip the crop-top on, pulling a knot above his stomach where the shirt could be tied together. 

Eliza stood up first, grabbing his arms and pulling him with her, standing him before the mirror. The light from above blared onto his skin making it look pasty and pale, blue marks standing at attention above his hips.

“Don’ want people to see.” Eliza smiled and pulled out a makeup brush, giving him a false sense before she pulled it to his face instead, lighting dusting his cheekbones with a powder. “Wha-?”

“They make you beautiful. You may see something bad, but all I see is something that makes you strong.” His heart fluttered at the praise, believing her words as soon as they were said. Peggy got to work with another brush on his face, dusting a blue to his eyelids. It was enough to be noticable, but not so much that it would be powdery and compact, mascara added next. When they stepped away he had to stifle his gasp. His hair was in a high ponytail, some point during the exchange Eliza had pulled it up high and tight, his cheekbones standing out and his eyelids fluttering with attention. He looked like a girl. But he was pretty. His body looked fuller than it had in weeks, his cheeks filling out even with the highlighter there to make them stick out further, the purple marks looking purposeful sitting on his hips.

“Beautiful.”

“ _ Very _ .” Peggy purred in his ear, her fingers pinching softly above his hips, tickling him. Her nails scraped along the sensitive flesh making him fall into a fit of giggles.  _ This was love. This wasn’t scary. _ “Hey,” Eliza pulled on his arm, both of them whispering praise to him, “We love you.”

“Love you guys too.” He pulled Eliza down so she could embrace with them, their buddies huddled together above the sink.

They let him stay in there when they changed and got ready themselves, pulling of their dresses to change into matching crop tops and skirts, Angelica probably rocking something similar in the living room. They were all wearing the same thing in various colors, Eliza pulling off a white top and leggings, Peggy twirled around in her grey, their own neon skirts sparkling out against the blandness. John helped her put on bright yellow eyeshadow, and eyeliner, mascara then highlighter, to match her skirt, Eliza doing the same but in soft blue, lighter than John’s but only by a little. 

They pulled on golden sandals that traveled up their legs in golden spirals, John’s a dazzling silver. They added glitter to their faces as a final touch, meeting the rest of their group in the living room. Peggy and Eliza left first, whistling and whooping filling the air, John swallowing his nerves. His body was hot and red from head to toe, his feelings jumbled together in a tight knot he wasn’t sure how to undo. He couldn’t help but feel this way, especially around Herc and Laf. They were perfect men, tall, strong, big and buff. Everything John wasn’t. So much so he wore a dress instead of a suit. He bit his lip but headed out the door anyway, pushing away his insecurities for a moment. He let out a sigh when the cheering got louder.

“Oh,  _ Mon Chou, _ You are _ gorgeous! _ ” Laf screeched from the kitchen, putting down his champagne glass to pull him into a hug, it was tight, but not scary. It felt warm and full of love, more bodies joining until they were all touching and sobbing together. Very briefly he felt his body seize up when a hand rested on his hip, a big hand, a scary hand. But it was soft and sweet, not painful and hurting. He let it go when he knew it was Herc’s, Hercules was fine, he was soft, like a teddy bear. Teddy bears were good.

They pulled away after what felt like hours of soft flesh on flesh, their bodies bringing warmth to John the only way he accepted. They laughed and talked, waiting until the grandfather clock in the corner of the room struck ten, low pitched bells bouncing off the walls to signal their departure. They pulled on small leather jackets, John’s red one giving Peggy the last minute idea to add lipstick to their mix, a cherry red lining his lips, making them look fuller and darker. Angelica stuck a finger in his mouth before he could protest, telling him to pucker his lips, sliding it out to keep the excess lipstick from getting on his teeth.  _ Not in you throat _ . Angelica was good. Angelica loved him. He loved her.

On the way out he couldn’t help but feel happy, content and accepted. He was happy with how close they were, how he was able to tell them everything and show them his body without being scared of what they’d think. He was never ashamed around them, though he had his doubts every now and then  but they knew how to deal with them. How to make him realize they weren’t leaving him - because they wanted  _ him, _ to show him they needed him in their lives just as much as he needed them. It was a peaceful relationship, one where they knew where they stood with each other and accepted it without hesitation. Like Hercules, he was big and strong, good for making him feel safe when he went outside, but when John stooped into his littlespace, Herc knew to stay away. He was big and strong, but in John’s littlespace he needed small and comforting like Eliza or Peggy. They knew where they stood and never questioned it. They never made him feel bad for wanting someone over the other at certain times cause they knew that when he lifted again, they were all welcome. 

The spring air was nice against his overheated legs, their rugged part of New York city falling behind them while they walked, getting smaller and smaller until they were swallowed by the lights. Buildings of different shapes and colors flooding his vision, the sweet smells of food carts wafting around him, dancing with the smell of car exhaust he seemed to find oddly comforting. The wind blew his high ponytail around, his flyaways curling around themselves in the spring breeze.

When they got closer to the club it wasn’t hard to tell, the music pounding into the streets, louder than angry taxi drivers screaming from across the way. He almost found it hard to step in, his ball of emotion squeezing around itself in a fruitless attempt to untangle.

The lights and the music, people dancing and kissing, it seemed so inviting yet so terrifying. The thought of another body dancing with his was so inviting, but the thought of their hands on him was a little too much to bear. The outside air was inviting in a different way, peaceful and calm, much different from the strobe lights and disco balls. He smiled to himself,  _ like Herc and Peg _ , happy with the simile he created. He let his tide of friends push him in, holding his breath with the onslaught of heat and movement pulling him closer to the dancing bodies.

The pushed each other to the bar, tumbling over to the two open stools, Angelica propping one up for John, Herc doing the same for Eliza. Lafayette smirked at the bartender, beckoning him over with a heavy french accent, and  _ for some reason _ got three drinks for free. John laughed loudly before taking a swig of whatever was set in front of him,  _ This boy’s almost as gay as I am. _ He slid down three more drinks - this time adding them to a tab for Laf - the rest drinking almost half of what they were given.

It didn’t take long for them to get drunk off their asses, jumping and swaying with the rhythm. Eliza and John were never one’s for attracting attention, staying at their stools while the rest of them latched onto innocent people to tease. Peggy and Angelica were grinding against each other, for show, men surrounding them and ogling at the sway of their hips, bumping and pushing in a way anyone would find mesmerizing. Sure he knew they were sisters, but no one else did. For all they knew the girls were just two drunk chicks hooking up with each other, which some people found hot. Not that he would really understand.

_ I Have never been the type to try and grab the spotlight. We were at a revel with some rebels on a hot night. Laughing with my sister - the others dazzling the room, then you walked in- _

John’s heart stopped. 

He had brown hair, to match his dark eyes. He was small, but looked so tough, his small frame doing nothing to the spirit dancing around his finger tips. He walked in next to someone taller than Lafayette, bald with dark eyes to match his skin, authority lingering around him along with an urge. To prove himself? To be better? The two guys whispered to each other, something John couldn’t distinguish, smirking. 

_ Boom _

John’s body was practically pushing himself off the chair, his body trying to force himself to the smaller body of the duo, wanting nothing more than to be around him.  _ But that was more than anything he’d felt in a while. _ His eyes were big and pleading, like he was trying to catch the attention of the man by staring, his mouth open in a small smile. He felt something move next to him but couldn’t bring himself to look away from the stranger. 

Then everything froze - just for a second -  the only people John could focus on were the two bodies swinging towards each other. 

He watched Eliza pull on Angelica’s sleeve, forcing her to bend down and whispering something in her ear. She smiled, so bright and so wide, but John didn’t seen the pain in it, only focusing on his own. She slipped by people, twirling and twisting her way to the handsome stranger and looping her arm around his. His face fell the slightest, but everything on the inside… oh everything on the inside  _ shattered _ . It felt like he was pushed up against that wall again, fingers trailing down his stomach, itching like bugs. He swallowed down his cry, shivering away the memory. It was a mistake to will himself to come out. It would only ever bad. Never good. Never okay. He’d been doing so good too, not reacting to the bar like most people would have in his situation, just slipping inside. He drank again, let his body forget the way somebody left painful bruises on his body, let him forget he was starved for three days before he was found. He recovered marvelously quickly, almost impossibly, but he wasn’t ready to be broken again.

He had to hold the stool beneath him to keep his body from falling to the floor pathetically. His eyes never left the stranger though, watching the person he loved twirl him across the floor to- oh. Eliza giggled, John could tell by the way her hand covered her mouth and shoulders shook. Still ignoring the bodies around him, he watched Angelica make her way back to Peggy, her movements stiffer than they’d been before. He was about to stand up, work his way to the bathroom, cry, wash it off, and leave. Then Eliza turned. The two gazes locked together, nothing was exchanged but something was purchased. Eliza didn’t let her smile waver but it no longer meet her eyes. Not that John could tell.

_ I’m Helpless! _

“You’re leading me somewhere too?” His voice was  _ perfect _ . Indescribably perfect.

“ _ I’m about to change your life.” _ She purred, pulling on his hand.

_ Helpless! _

“Once again, by all means lead the way.” He smiled, then matched where her gaze settled. On John. John sucked in a breath, hoping he wouldn’t fall off the chair like he felt he might. His body felt so  _ light _ ! Ecstasy seeming to flood around him, another smile finding it’s why to his lips. Not as wide as Eliza’s but definitely more real. When they finally meet him, John’s body was on fire with desire, his eyes lighting up with it. The man was looking back at him and John all but melted. His eyes were warm and full, nothing like the man last time, his smile shy and tilted.  _ Perfect _ .

_ I am so into you! I am so into you! I’m Helpless! _

“J-John L-Laurens, it’s a pleasure to meet you-” his voice cracked, his face going crimson. At least more so than before. He could have sworn he heard the man whisper  _ cute _ , his heart fluttering with his eyelashes. It felt like his heart was trying to beat out of his chest.

“Laurens?” He mumbled something along the lines of,  _ I thought he was your brother _ , but it didn’t sound rude or menacing, just curious.

“He his.” Her grin was really this time.

“Alexander Hamilton.” He paused before continuing, “If it takes traveling the world for us to meet, it will have been worth it.” He bent down and kissed his hand. John was  _ dying _ , his body no longer responding, but he managed an embarrassingly high squeal. Eliza waved at him, shooting him a smirk and a thumbs up.

“I’ll leave you to it!” And she was gone, pushing through the crowds to meet her sisters in the center. She must have missed the one-eyed gaze of another, red dress sparkling in the lights, her sweetheart neckline puffing out with her chest. Her hair was flipped over one eye, beautifully mysterious, her one visible eye wide, looking utterly…  _ Helpless _ .

John felt a hand on his cheek, “You look beautiful, absolutely beautiful.” His heart jumped in his chest, Alex taking the seat in front of him. For once in his life, he wasn’t comparing. He put his own hand on Alex’s, pushing his cheek into the touch, closing his eyes and savoring the feeling.

“Soft.” 

“Soft?” Alex laughed, quirking up an eyebrow

“And warm. N-not like his.” He squeezed Alex’s hand, opening his eyes that were starting to tear up a little. His bottom lip stuck out, he looked adorable, Alex feeling slightly guilty at the thought.  _ He was hurting _ , and he thought it was cute.

“What’s wrong baby?”  _ Baby _ .  _ Sluts don’t get names. _ His lip started to quiver… but this time it stopped. 

_ Baby. _

_ That was for him. _

_ He got a name. _

_ He wasn’t a slut. _

“I’m not a slut.” The words seemed cruel, but the meaning was soft like his voice. For a split second he worried he was scaring Alex, this was his littlespace, and Alex knew nothing about it. But he didn’t curse, or pull his hand away, or hit John. No, he pulled him closer,  _ understanding _ . He may not know all the story, but he wasn’t stupid. He had a way with words, and a way with their places. He was able to decipher words  _ and _ voices, able to understand the difference between what was said and what was meant. He is able to hear John’s voice, and understand, not just definitions slapped into a phrase.

“ _ Oh, John _ ~” He voice was soft, like music, filtering through his brain as a symphony. “I promise, I’m going to make this night one of the best of your life. Forget him-” John’s eyes shot open, he didn’t expect Alex to understand  _ so much _ , shame burning in his features. “Oh, shit- please baby boy? You don’t need to be ashamed with me, you’re already perfect to me.” John opened his eyes and smiled, winning over Alex almost as fast as Alex won over John. 

“Perfect.” His voice sounded distant, full of happiness and hope.

Alex outstretched his hand, open palmed and let John take it. He clung to it, tonight was going to be okay. He was okay. He was  _loved_ _._

_Helpless~_


	2. Good Morning

John felt lighter than air, swinging and dancing, twirling and spinning. Alex was the perfect dream, making John feel like the most important person in the world. He would dance when John wanted to dance, talk when John wanted to talk, and when John fell into his littlespace he would hold him while he cried. Everything about him was so  _ damn _ perfect, he was absolutely helpless. Never in his life had he been so thankful for the Sisters. For his sisters.

John giggled, letting Alex spin him around and dip him, dancing together to the music that was fast in beats and definitely not one meant to be danced to slowly. Still they swayed, John holding onto Alex’s neck and Alex’s hands resting so gently on his hips as to not upset the bruises there. Considerate, one more thing to add to his perfection. John smiled and pulled away, grabbing his hand and pushing him back over to the bar, picking up Alex’s drink and taking a long swig, to drunk to even notice a difference in taste from his own preferably fruity drinks. It wasn’t until John kept trying to take long sips when Alex called it off, pulling it away from his lips despite John’s whine of protest. He stood up, bringing John with him.

“John, let’s go, I’m taking you to the bathroom before you vomit on the dancefloor or piss your seat.” John pouted but let Alex lead him anyway, swaying on his feet. He can’t even remember a time he’d drank so much he couldn’t even walk on his own, but then again, he couldn’t really remember anything right now. At least they made it to the bathroom before John pushed himself onto Alex completely, not even able to support his weight anymore. He heard Alex chuckle, sending vibrations through John’s tipsy body.

“I go _ tta peeee-”  _ John slid down Alex, his body slumping even further to the ground. His voice was slurred, but Alex found it remarkably adorable, his words becoming one big jumble of letters.

“I know- Come here.” He broke off with a laugh, John’s crooked smile glowing up at him making his heart melt. Alex carried him into the stall, trying to keep some of John’s decency by pulling his shorts down but pushing his skirt up. He sat John down, relieving himself with a drawn out sigh, enjoying the calming feeling of Alex holding him upright. He let his head fall forward, where Alex was kneeling, resting it in the crook of his neck. He mumbled out random words when he was done, somehow getting the point across, letting Alex pull up his pants for him. 

Alex had to carry John out of the bathroom when they were finished, John struggling to get through the door on his own was pretty cute he had to admit but in the end couldn’t do it. He would either miss the door completely or fall over halfway there. When John suggested another drink when they got out, still in Alex’s arms, Alex honestly couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not just laughing and going in the opposite direction. 

He led them to a corner of the floor, giving him the space to sway with John in his arms, moving around so John could enjoy the dancing without actually having to move. When the clock struck midnight, the DJ announcing it over the speakers, John had sobered up at least enough to say actually words instead of words that didn’t belong with each other. Thankfully he had enough sense to describe Lafayette to him, specifically his french accent that John said everyone found sexy - but not to get carried away because Alex belonged to him now - allowing Alex to find at least one in the group to pass off the very drunk John to. 

Alex found at least four other people in the bar who looked pretty similar to what John had describe, long curly hair and a small stubble like his own, before he heard the rapid fire french being shot at a taller buffer man. He headed over to them, the taller man losing his sense of scary when John giggled and called him “teddy bear” and accepting it fully. The problem arose when Alex tried to pass him off.

He was carrying John bridal style but John’s arms were wrapped around his neck. When Alex outstretched his arms to pass him to the sober Hercules, John  _ wailed _ and clung to Alex tighter, his legs slipping around Alex’s waist to grip him there too. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes, clamped shut and brimming, not letting Hercules’ hands pull him away from Alex.

When John was drunk or even just out in public, a series of events took place. First he would fall into his little space, though lately he was rarely out of it, his mind falling back to his childish state of mind. Pure innocence and in need of the care you would get from a significant other- but John didn’t have one of those. It was up to the Sisters, Laf, and Herc to make sure he was taken care of and put to sleep before any of them left, and sometimes not leaving at all. It was a team effort of what made John most comfortable because he didn’t have one person who could do it all, like most would. Eliza would bathe him, he wasn’t necessarily closest to her (Not that he wasn’t), feeling more at ease with her naturally gentle touches and soothing voice that was high and quiet. Next Peggy and Angelica would dress him, stronger than Eliza was as well as being able to do it gentle but efficiently, to be brought to Herc in the kitchen, who quite frankly, was the only one who could actually cook something decent. It would all end with Laf reading or singing him to sleep, his melodic voice low and firm, assuring that he would be protected. Since it was a shared effort, nobody saw it as a chore or as something they shouldn’t have to do. In fact they felt more at ease doing it, giving them a sense of belonging with their little John to take care of. Tonight was different.

Tonight he had Alex.

Tonight he had the brown haired, golden eyed, short-tempered nineteen year old, whose body was so perfect and so  _ like his own _ that he didn’t feel the need to compare. He didn’t have a reason to be embarrassed about his height or weight of body structure because Alex  _ loved it _ . For the first time in months, he was flying above his own thoughts and seeing somebody else, somebody who thought he was beautiful and strong for surviving- not a whore that was cut loose. He had Alex, who had already taken care of him tonight, and in just that short amount of time gave him the courage to trust him fully. Since his mother’s death he didn’t think it was possible to love anyone else, then the Sisters took him in, but he still didn’t believe it. His father had beaten him, ridiculed who he was, when he meet Laf and Herc. John loved them too, just not processing it until his mind finally caught up.  _ They did love him, and he loved them _ . And for a while it was just that. Them and Him, together as a family. But  _ Alex _ , he was different. John didn’t only trust Alex, but he wanted Alex to trust  _ him _ . He loved the feeling of Alex’s hands on his body, but loved the feeling of his own hands on Alex’s. For once in his life, he yearned for something mutual and was finally getting it. He wasn’t ready to let it go.

He felt Hercules’ arms wrapped around his waist, separating his stomach from Alex’s, pulling against his own arms- and Alex wasn’t helping. Alex’s hands were at his sides, letting John be taken away from him, John’s own arms falling out from around his neck. Alex looked at him, a brow raised in question at how easily he slipped off after clinging so tightly. John’s lip stuck out at Alex, quivering, tears spilling down his shaking cheeks. Hercules had pulled him into the booth they were sitting in, Lafayette watching, suddenly more sober than before. John climbed over Herc so he was on the inside of the booth, shivering in the farthest part of crescent booth, furthest away from Alex. 

“John?” Alex’s voice was soft, too soft for John. Why wasn’t he angry at John? Alex gave him away, doesn’t that mean he didn’t want him? “John, please, talk to me.”

“Don’t wan’ me anymore?” He sunk further into the booth, not ready for the rejection that was coming. “You- ‘lex- don’ want to b-be wi-with m-me?” Alex’s face fell, he  _ knew _ he had to be delicate with John, and he wasn’t at least not gentle enough. Eliza had told him before she walked away, like she  _ knew _ Alex was interested in him, told him he was in a constant littlespace, she didn’t elaborate but it was enough, enough for Alex to understand. Alex knew what it was like to be rejected, thrown and cast away like a paper bag, and he knew what it was like to fall into a little space. It was other people’s fault his littlespace wasn’t as little as it used to be, he didn’t rely so heavily on people when he dropped because if he ever did before nobody would be there. He learned not to need people, but he remembered- remembered how much he had wanted someone there, and he didn’t want that to happen to John.

“Baby boy,  _ of course not! _ ” He continued before John could take it any other way than he meant, “John you’re  _ perfect _ , I will always want to with you and I don’t want you to think differently.”

Hercules jumped out of the booth, letting Alex slip in next to John who was finally meeting his eyes, sitting back down after. In a far corner of the room, he could see the Sisters making their way over to their group, slowly and swaying but determined to get there on their own. Alex let his hand trail to Johns, pulling it from his lap and softly curling it around his own.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you… John?”

“M’ Sorry too…” He jumped at Alex, pushing him back against the booth so they were practically laying in the seat, his head pushed up against the rest uncomfortably. He didn’t have to heart to move, John burying his face in his chest was worth the pain. A smiling Angelica approached them, looking more stable than she had a second ago, like she was only drunk for a few seconds before she was good to continue with her day.

“Are we ready to go home, cause Li and Peg are passed out somewhere… over there…” She giggled, any sober thought leaving her mind when she saw Alex and John snuggled in the curve of the booth. “You two are cute for each other, but where’s Liza?” Lafayette laughed, the french curses spurting from his drunk mouth still sounding alarmingly suave. Hercules quirked up an eyebrow, about to comment but deciding against it, letting Angelica slip into the booth next to the two boys while he stalked off to go find the other two. She wrapped an arm around Alex’s neck, looking like she was going to choke him, bringing her face down to his neck and inhaling. She giggled, John noticing her presence when she brought up his scent. He pouted, trying his hardest to scowl through the dried tears on his face, Angelica brushing it off.

“Come on!  _ If you really loved me you would share him! _ ” He bit his lip, after screaming an infuriated ‘Ha’, Alex was his now. Alex wanted him, not her. He pulled Alex’s hips against his own, for comfort, the hand on his back moving to pet his hair, it was almost like it was meant to be confirmation.  _ No stress, my love for you was never a doubt _ .

John didn't remember anything else.

...

He opened his eyes, the small amounts of sunlight sneaking past the window shades already burning them. He closed them, pain settling near his temple, pulling the covers over his face. When they wouldn't move, he pulled harder, the pain getting more intense with each strain of his muscles. 

“John?”

Oh shit.

_ Oh shit. _

He stopped trying to force the covers from the under the body, all his senses working overtime with the new information. Alex stirred next to him, John finally realizing he could feel the dip in the bed next to him, turning to his side. He groaned, the weight on the side of the bed leaving when the shape lifted off. He heard footsteps pad away, getting quieter, then louder again. He was thankful that it was still rather dark in the room, even with the sunlight pouring through the shades, his eyes straining to adjust. He heard the clanking of the metal bar and rings, indicating the curtain was closed, opening his eyes fully. 

Then he was being forced up, gasping out from the pain in his head.

“John, are you okay? I didn’t mean to hurt you-” He was gently leaned against the headboard, Alex’s figure standing out against the darkness, his hair was messy and he was missing most of his clothes.

“ _ Oh my gosh _ , we- didn’t, did we?!” Alex quirked up an eyebrow before looking down, realization seizing his features.

“Oh, no! Of course not, it’s was just really hot in here- and you wouldn’t let me open the window.” Alex gave him a glass of water that had been resting on the nightstand, the small sip he took easing the pain slightly. He sighed again, Alex taking his palm and resting a small capsule in it. “Take this, it’ll make you feel better.” He sat back down at John’s feet, rubbing up his thigh absently. For once, John didn’t push away, feeling more comfortable with him than everyone else he’s tried to hook up with since  _ that  _ night. In fact he crawled into his lap, finding more comfort after taking the medicine, just wanting to curl in the arms of his savior.

“Carry me to breakfast?” Alex chuckled, letting John wrap his legs around his waist, hoisting up above his hips, arms around his midsection.

“Of course, my dear.” John closed his eyes once he felt the lightheartedness of being carried, getting the soft blow of wind without putting forth any effort. It felt nice, right, being in Alex’s arms. John swallowed,  _ why was Alex so different? _ They had literally just met, and John was  _ drunk _ half the time. What made him so easy to be trusted, to be loved by, to be comforted by? He wrapped his arms around Alex’s neck, hugging a little tighter. It didn’t matter, cause Alex was here now, and nothing about that seemed wrong. 

John looked around the room they were in, plain, no pictures on the walls, no family photos, nothing. There was a carpet, with a coffee table and two couches rested on it, the pattern of reds and black dizzying for his hungover head. For the first time since he woke up, John realized he wasn’t in his own house. 

John looked terrified, embarrassment lighting his cheeks a sweet shade of red. “W-what happened last night?”

“I don’t think I understand what you mean.” Alex settled John on the couch, wrapping a blanket around John’s bare torso before stalking off. 

“I mean- never mind.” He hugged the blanket closer to his chest, trying to drown himself in the soft plush of it, sinking into the leather couch, his legs curling underneath him. He heard Alex let out a soft laugh, growing more fond of the sound with every passing second. He bit his lip, afraid to disrupt the comfortable silence, but aching to say something, anything so they could connect. He mind urged his body to leap forward, claim him as his own, but how could he do anything if he didn’t even know what this man’s favorite color was?

“How do you like your coffee?”

“With lots of cream- and sugar. Lots of sugar.” Alex poked his head out of the kitchen, sticking his tongue out childishly.

“Ew! I said how do you like your coffee, not your diabetes.” John smiled, sticking his own tongue out.

“Black coffee is not coffee. It’s melted dirt in a cup.” John giggled, immediately settling down in his chair.

“How  _ dare you _ !” Alex huffed out an exaggerated gasp, turning back into the kitchen.

No other words were exchanged, giving John a chance to take in his surroundings, twisting his hair around his fingers. He couldn’t help but wonder why he didn’t have and family photos, like at all, nothing. Not even anything as small as a locket. It was just so… plain. 

When Alex finally returned, with assortments of fruit and bread, placing a tray on the coffee table. Two steaming mugs of dark liquid was cooling next to the fruit, John picking up the lighter one, pulling it to his lips. He moaned into the cup, coffee was a life savior. Alex sat down on the floor, crossing his legs under the table. He took a sip of his own coffee, smacking his lips when he pulled away.

“So, how long have you lived in New York?” Alex set his cup down, picking up an apple, juice spraying onto the table as his teeth sunk in.

“A couple of years- Moved here to get a job as an art teacher.” Alex nodded, looking a little distant.

“I’ve lived here for half my life, wanted to write for New York Times since I was a kid.” He gave a half hearted chuckle, looking into his cup. He knew he shouldn’t pry, but something was urging him on, making him shift in his seat to get a better look at him. 

“What about the other half?” He bit his lip, hoping he didn’t overstep his boundaries. Alex tensed, his head snapping up to John. His pupils were dilated and scared, John moving from the couch. “My mother died when I was twelve. Left me, my two sisters and brother alone with our abusive father.” John didn’t know why talking about his family was so easy. It wasn’t before. But when it came to Alex, saying things so personal didn’t seem like a task, more like he was helping himself, helping  _ Alex _ , by speaking first.

“My father left when I was small, too small to remember him, then my mom and I-” Alex had tears in his eyes when he looked at John, scared and smaller than John would ever expect him to look. John hugged him closer, “W-we got sic-sick. I-I got better, but my mom-” He curled into John’s chest, his small chest, pulling at the blanket John still had wrapped around him. He let it fall, wrapping Alex up in it along with himself. 

He pulled it taut with them, then some, swaddling them together. It was something his sister had taught him to help with anxiety attacks. Wrap himself up, like you would a child, and take deep breaths. It was like reverting to his littlespace, but different. The blanket wrapped around him was supposed to revert him to a time he had his mother, when he could feel her embrace, and her love with every squeeze. The blanket against his skin was soft, Alex’s face in his neck was wet. Pick up on feelings, then sounds, then sights, then smells, and tastes. Control yourself, remember it’s still his body, and he’s okay. 

Alex had started shaking against his skin, wrapping his arms around John’s bare torso. He pulled him closer, not that they could really move within the confines of the material, his tears finally succeeding. They sat like that for moments, too many to count, to precious to let go of.

“How do you do that?” 

It was nothing more than a whisper- it was barely anything. John grasped his hand, not letting the blanket fall yet. Just letting him know he’s here, he’s in control, and he’s safe.

“Do what?” He kept his voice small, to match Alex’s. He didn’t want to seem overpowering to him.

“I’ve never told anyone that… I-I- then you- this…?” John didn’t answer, letting the blanket fall so he could swaddle Alex in his arms. “I-I’m sorry about you mom-”

“I’m sorry about yours too, you’re dad sounds like an asshole to be honest.” He swallowed his sigh of relief when Alex gave a small chuckle, once again scared of pushing his bounds.

“Yours does too…” He looked up at John, eyes big and hopeful. “If we ever have children- let's not be like them. Okay?” John’s eyes went wide with a blush, redder than a cherry.  _ Alex was talking about having kids… with him! Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod- _

He mentally slapped himself. Alex just needed support right now, after years of getting it, John was finally giving it. To someone who  _ wanted  _ it from  _ him _ . He took a deep breath, hoping it wasn’t too obvious. Alex was actually having the talk- like  _ when  _ or  _ are we adopting or having a surrogate _ \- it was just  _ if _ we ever _ , in general _ . And he wanted John to say okay. To agree they would stay together. To agree they would support each other. To agree.

Recognition dawned on his face, soon after blushing just as red as John. he started to shake again, stuttering, “I-I me-mean, I, uh-”

“Okay.”

“What?”

“Agreed. If we ever have children, we will never be like them.” Alex’s expression was a mixture of disbelief and wonder, happiness flooding him like sunlight. The world could have exploded and John wouldn’t have cared, the only thing with meaning right now, was the boy in his arms. “Now come on, let’s have  _ fun _ today.”

Alex wiped the dried tears from his face, letting John pull him up. Today was going to be nice. For once in his life, he was happy to be around someone, the constant barriers he’d built falling after John catapulted into his walls.

They walked back to the bedroom, still tightly bound by their intertwined fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so ling to post!
> 
> BUT, spring break is finally here, which means no school- which means more time to write! I'm hoping I can, at least
> 
> Love you all!


	3. A Helpless Day

Alex and John walked side by side, hand in hand, down the street. The sidewalks were beaten, and bustling with people who paid no mind to them.

“So tell me about yourself, Laurens.” Alex smiled, pulling him closer by his hand. John blushed, accepting his open embrace. In his last relationship no touching was allowed. Especially not in public.

“I'm living with my sister, Angelica, Peggy, and Eliza Schuyler… though they aren't biological…” he trailed off. Alex cocked up an eyebrow, “it's just I was abused at home, and they were my safe haven, ya know? I moved in with them 'couple years later.”

Alex nodded, squeezing his hand. John felt his heart flutter, turning into the wide open doors of the bakery, pretty scents lingering around in the air. It was so easy to talk to Alex, it was kind of disconcerting. He was literally laying himself out like a meal, ready to be taken, ready to be loved so desperately. Normal he'd do better than that, guard himself a little more, keep himself a little safer. Maybe it was his fragile state of mind right down, his small feeling, can't see past the fact that Alex was open to him. He bit his lip, pulling Alex tighter. There was something about him though, something that made him not as scary as others. Sure he put himself out there, but Alex was taking it, and he was taking it well. He wasn't scoffing or scolding, he didn't degrade or disregard, he just accepted that John was a little broken and needed so time. And he was  _ okay with that. _

“What do you want to drink?” Alex pulled out a chair, the fancy metal in a pattern of large swirls. He grinned, motioning vaguely for John to sit down. This was another thing. Did Alex see him as submissive, was he the 'girl in the relationship’ was he always supposed to be the one sitting down, and having doors opened for him? And here it was again. He didn't feel that way with Alex. Alex looked at him like he'd be okay with John on top, if John wanted to tie him down and have his way with him, then Alex was all for it.

So John sat, and accepted the push to the table. “Coffee…”

“With lots of cream, and sugar.” He repeated with a smile. “Disgusting.” He whispered, but it was lighthearted and fun. John giggled.

“Black coffee is gross,  _ you're _ the one that needs to sort that out.” Alex stuck his tongue out again, walking to get in line.

John crossed his legs under the table, pulling out his phone.

_ Jacky:  _ Slept at Alex's last night, sorry for not telling.

_ Snow White:  _ oh, John. Precious John.

John could practice  _ feel _ the sarcasm, mental cringing.

_ Angel-ica: _ You wouldn't let us take you home. You were *literally* climbing him. Climbing him John. You wouldn't let go.

John burned red, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

_ Jacky:  _ why'd you guys let me do that??? D:

_ And Peggy:  _ cause you wouldn't let us do anything else ??

John set his phone down, burying his hand in his arms, resting on the table. He didn't even look up when Alex returned. He just felt…  _ shame?  _ Was he forcing Alex to be here? His stomach dropped as he heart sunk.  _ No, please no. _

“Joooohn-” Alex sing-songed, setting down something next to him. Almost instantly, his phone buzzed, then again, texts flooding his inbox. He groaned ignoring them.

“Snow White?” Alex questioned, eyeing the screen.

“Eliza.” John mumbled, finally picking his head back up. He glared at Alex, pouting. Alex cocked up an eyebrow, sitting down across from him. “I didn't give you a choice, did I.” He felt dread sink. He didn't want Alex to leave him, but he couldn't force him to stay.

Alex laughed, mistaking his serious tone. “Well no, not really but-”

“Do you feel obligated to be here?” His voice shook slightly. John slapped himself, he couldn't cry, not here.

“What, John-” Alex looked slightly hurt, reaching for John's hand. He pulled away, sticking them both in his lap.

“I saw you with Angelica, and Eliza first… did they tell you to come to be, to be here?”

Alex stiffened, pulling his hand back. Instead he pulled John up from his chair, and led him into the bathroom. It was a single, so he could lock it without fearing anyone would interrupt then. “Well?” John felt tears bubble in his eyes, choking on his words.

“Look at me.” John refused. Alex tucked his fingers under his John, tilting his head up. He was gentle. This wasn't forced. “John Laurens, last night I was stressed, overworked, and incredibly overwhelmed. I forgot what it was like to have fun, and rest, and  _ love.  _ When I walked in, let me tell you, I was ready to talk to anyone- and you know what?”

John met his eyes, tears slipping down his cheeks. “W-what?”

“For some reason, I was lead to you.” John flinched at the words, but said nothing, letting Alex continue. “When I talked to you, my world lit up, I was finally happy again. I didn't feel anything anymore, except for this  _ need _ . I just needed to be near you, and see you, and touch you, and you  _ let me _ .”

John's breath caught in his throat. He wasn't used to these words. Wasn't used to this…  _ niceness. _ He tried to choke out something, but only a whimper came out. “The world lead me to you that night, nobody else.”

“N-nobody else?”

“No one.”

Alex let John grabbed his jaw, pulling him forward. John kissed him, through the tears, his lips soft and salty. John pushed,  _ hard _ , letting him know how much it meant to him. And Alex took it, Alex was the one that became submissive. He wanted to let John know  _ he  _ was in charge, not Alex, John was calling the shots, making the rules, and Alex was only proving he was okay with that.

“I love you, John Laurens.”

John giggled, lightheartedness making him float, above everything, everyone. It was just him and Alex.

“I love you, Alexander Hamilton.”

~~~

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin our day.” John blushed, pulling Alex's arm tighter. Alex took a sip of his coffee, arm slinking around his shoulder. His pushed John's cheek, tilting him into another kiss.

“You did no such thing. In fact, you may have made it better.” He pulled away, licking his lips. John giggled,

“And why's that?”

“Cause I can do things like that now.”

John smiled, “Not if you keep drinking that stuff.” John licked his own lips, making an exaggerated sour face.

“So what would you like to do today, Jacky?” John blushed at the pet name, giggling.

“Hmm… I don't know. Wanna see a movie?”

Alex's face lit up, “Oo, yeah! I know this place where the chairs are like couches…” he paused, glances at John's intrigued expression. “So couples can  _ get it on _ during the movie.” He began ticking John's side.

John spasmed, letting out a choked laugh. He cried out between giggles, almost falling over in the middle of the sidewalk. When Alex finally eased up, John had to lean on him to catch his breath. “You're… insane.” He huffed, still giggling.

…

“Mmm, get chocolate.” John moaned, pointing through the glass.

“Why don't  _ you _ get chocolate?” Alex questioned, eyeing the candy John had already chosen.

“Well, you're the one that bought us tickets to a  _ scary _ movie, so I'm going to eat your candy.”

“You said you wanted to watch it!”

“Well… I just didn't want to tell you I didn't.” He whined, ignoring Alex's giggles. “Not funny.” He pouted, crossing his arms.

“Okay, okay,” Alex chuckled, pointing out the candy to the cashier. “You're right, I won't laugh, but we're still seeing the movie.” John's face scrunched up, but he didn't object. They paid, and Alex lead them down the dimly lit hallway, the carpet filled with crazy patterns no doubt to entertain kids, turning at their door.

Upon entering, it looked like a normal movie theater, except the seats were one long connected bench that could be divided by armrests. The screen provided more light than the small lights placed to find your seats, glowing a dull golden, compared to the bright neon of the screen.

Alex lead him up the stairs halfway, before stopping, “Hey are those your sisters?”

John liked the way he said sisters. No quotations, no jokes, just sisters. He looked up to where he was pointing, and sure enough, three girls occupied a single bench, cut off on either side of them. Angelica sat on the far end, Eliza in the middle, and Peggy on the end inside, who was also the one waving them down.

“Want to sit with them?” Alex already started leading him up, and yes John enjoyed sitting with them, but he really wanted to be with Alex. Only Alex. No sharing. He came to this conclusion a little too late, opening his mouth the voice it, then closing it immediately, scooching past them to get inside. Peggy giggled, pulling up the arm rest next to her so they sat sectioned off together.

He must've missed Eliza tense up, or the way Angelica carefully executed each breath. Painful breaths, watching John curl into Alex's side. They tried,  _ so hard _ to watch John be happy, and know that he needed it.

But they noticed each other. “You okay?” Angelica grabbed Eliza's hand, intertwining their fingers.

“I'll be fine. Tell you later?” Angelica nodded, forcing herself to stare at the commercials now playing, instead of the bitter-sweet couple to her side.

Alex and John on the other hand, were accommodating fine, pulling each other as close as they could. John giggled happily at something he said, kissing him on the cheek, a light blush lighting his cheeks, and if Eliza looked hard enough… she could almost feel happy for him.

The movie began quickly after the ads and previews,  _ The Ring _ popping up on the screen. John was already shaking, holding a hand over his mouth, stretching it up to his eyes so he could  _ barely _ see around them.

“Babe, are you okay?”

“M’fine.” He grumbled, blushing vigorously.

They got about halfway through the movie before John started whimpering again, easing his way into Alex’s lap. Somehow, Alex didn’t notice it until John was so far on, his was practically straddling him, head hidden in his shoulder. He was shaking, making a whimper, mixed with a giggle.

“Are you… laughing?” Peggy leaned over from her spot, whispering into his ear,

“He laughs when he’s nervous…” She paused looking down at John, then back to Alex, “Remember that when you’re in the bedroom.”

Alex chuckled quietly, John hissing like a cat. “Peggy!” He whined, another pout trying to work it’s way into his face.

“Hey, don't get upset, it's  _ cute _ .” He emphasized with a kiss to his head. John giggled, accepting it.

“You two are going to make me vomit. Sugar overdose.” Peggy made a fake gagging noise, sticking a finger in her mouth. John rolled his eyes, pulling Alex's face to his.

“You can never have too much sugar.” He whispered sweetly, a newfound confidence radiating off him. He planted a  _ noisy _ kiss on Alex's lips, shifting higher on his lap. Alex made a surprised noise, hearing it be swallowed by a soft groan.

John felt his dick jump in his pants, the bulge of Alex's jeans pressing into his. He felt his hand reach down, slowly… luckily he was cut off by another strangled noise from Peggy.

“Yes there is. It's called diabetes.” She choked, but her smile was still there. The boys broke apart, suddenly aware of what they were doing. John's blush grew ten times, for once, happy they were sitting all the way in the back.

“I-I’m s-sorry, I didn't m-mean-” stuttering into Alex's chest.

“Hey, it's okay. Are… are you ready for that kind of stuff?” Alex rubbed his back soothingly, keeping him from sliding off his lap. John's eyes widened.  _ Was he ready?  _ He'd like to say he was… because mentally  _ he was _ , but his body- still covered in bruises, sore,  _ painful _ .

“Y-yes?” Alex shook his head, John could feel it in the way she chest moved.

“No, you need to be absolutely sure.” Alex's voice rumbled, making his chest vibrate. John could hear his heart beat too.

“I am. I'm ready… it’s just…” he looked up, squeezing his eyes closed in embarrassment. He looked over to the Sisters quickly, catching the thumbs up Peggy shot him. He wasn't entirely sure what it meant, but he assumed it meant he was safe to talk. At least a little. “I'm not sure if… my  _ body's  _ ready.” He covered his face with his hands again, biting his lip.

“John, baby, what happened last time you had sex.”

His mouth fell open in a squeak, he force to stay quiet. “ _ What? _ ”

“I'm mean… you didn't get any lube, did you? Or stretched, you probably weren't even prepped.” Alex's sounded angry, and for a moment, John felt his body seize up again… until he realized Alex wasn't mad at him.

“Alex?”

“I'm sorry… it's just, you deserve so much more.” John gave a small smile.

“I didn't even know you had to be prepped, to be honest.” He tried chuckling it off, hoping Alex wouldn't tense up again.

“We'll change that. When you're ready.” John sighed, hearing Alex continue, “but for now-”

John quirked up an eyebrow. Didn't they just establish John couldn't have sex right now?

“You don't have to bottom.”

Maybe it was the movie ending, the lights to leave turning on, or maybe it was John's world actually brightening. Never did he have a choice.  _ Never has he topped _ , his mind supplied, heart stopping. Alex was giving him a  _ choice _ \- he wasn't a toy. Wasn't a slut. He felt tears of happiness bubble his vision, but he wouldn't let them fall. He didn’t  _ want  _ to cry, he was  _ excited _ .

His smile lit up the movie theater, bright than any screen could. “Yes.” He whispered, “Yes!”

He practically fell out of his chair trying to get up, landing on the floor with a thumb. Alex helped him stand, only to be dragged on his toes to the exit.

They even beat the Sisters home, John was making them go so fast.

~~~

“I've never run so fast-” Alex coughed, shutting the door behind him. “ _ Ever. _ ” He wheezed, voice pitching. His chest heaved, body still jumpy from running a block. 

John was still ecstatic, jumping happily into the first bedroom, seemingly unphased by their surprise work out.

Alex looked around. The apartment was nice, large too, two bedrooms and a bathroom to go with each, currently standing in the well furnished and decorated living room, hallway in front of him, and the kitchen to his right. It was easy to tell two different people planned the schemes of each room, but they clashed nicely, only adding more character. He walked past the couches, and the coffee table holding a plant and a glowing lamp, into the hallway, following John's tracks.

He opened the door, pushing I shut when he got inside. The room had two rather large beds, both ends sticking out into the middle, creating a weird zig-zagging path. John was laying on the one closer to the door, covered in pillows, stacked neatly against the headboard. The comforter was plush when Alex sat down, making him moan out.

“Everyone's beds are always comfier than mine!” He whined, falling into the pillows. He mumbled into it some more, but it was far too garbled for John to make sense of. Alex’s head popped out of John’s pillows, looking him dead in the eyes. “Can I ask why you made me do unnecessary cardio?” John blushed.

“I  _ ready  _ Alex. It’s been a while… and I’m happy with you.” Alex’s look softened, pulling John into a kiss.

It quickly became heated, John pulling Alex’s body towards his, mouths messy with gathering saliva. A small string connected their panting mouths when they pulled away, only to be messed by their shirts.

“John, are you sure? One hundred percent? I don’t want to hurt you- or make you uncomfortable, or-” Alex was cut off by another quick kiss, drawing his attention back to his topless boyfriend.

“I’m sure, Alex. Please-” He pulled at his pants, urging Alex to take them off for him. Alex obliged, stripping himself, before sliding them down his thighs.

Alex paused when they were off, gaze covering John’s pale skin, bruised, but beautiful. “Pretty.” Alex latched onto the soft skin of John’s neck, creating a sweet mark under his ear. John moaned, eyelashes fluttering. Alex kept his mouth on him, moving down his body in a curved line. He brushed his fingers over his hips, hooking around his underwear. John lifted his hips slightly, giving Alex a little more room to maneuver. Planting delicate kisses down his stomach, Alex pulled John’s boxers off, breath catching in his throat.

John blushed, thighs pressing together to hide them. They were ugly, covered in purple marks, fingermarks. Nothing was pretty about them. Alex gazed at him, then back down to where John’s legs were crossing over each other in attempt to cover. Alex brushed his hands over John’s chest, then cupped his cheeks. One hand traveled back down, stuffing it between his thighs so John couldn’t close them. “Pretty.” He mumbled again, breath hot in his ear.

John shivered, shaking his head. “Not-” He whined, feeling a hand on his nipple. “Not pretty.” He cried out again, the bud twisted between his fingers. 

Alex looked up, eyes catching on something on the nightstand, reaching for it. He shot back down John’s body, pulling him into a sitting position, head buried in his legs. Alex slid off the bed, kneeling between John’s open legs on the ground. He pulled up his hand, showing John… a marker.

It was a pretty red and blue, both beautiful colors.  _ Not dark, not purple, not painful _ . John watched silently anyway, looking over the side of the bed. Alex took the green marker, then took John’s wrist.

He inked a small little swirl on his wrist, “You're the blue.” Alex set it on the bed and picked up the red, “and I'll be the red.” making the same mark on his own wrist

He took that red marker and spread his thighs again, setting the tip to John's skin. Gently around the the bruises lingering there, he made bright red flowers, outlining every single bruise in color. When he was finished, John's thighs were so beautifully colorful, his breathing audibly stopped. A giant bouquet littered him, it was wonderful and those purple splotches finally looked okay.

“Together we make purple.” He thumbed gently over the mark, not enough to hurt, but to feel. “And purple can be beautiful.”

John actually felt a smile. For the first time in months, he could look at his body and no longer be ashamed of what he saw. He felt happy. Proud he survived, proud he got Alex.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” Alex kissed him again, lowering them down onto the bed again. John's cock was hard against his stomach, flushed and leaking. Alex trailed his fingers down, whispering praises to the small bit as he took his cock. Alex rubbed over it, taking the head and squeezing, taking in the reactions John had, mentally marking all the good ones and using them again.

It didn't take long for John to become fully hard in his hand, patients at an all time low, finally deciding to rip off Alex's boxers too. Alex cried out, air hitting his fully hard dick, John's body pressed against it.

“Gotta- gotta tell me what to do, Alex.” John said nervously, eyes locked on Alex's arousal. Alex smiled, taking the bottle of lube John set on the stand and popped it open.

“Prep. Put that on your middle and index fingers.” John did as he was told, careful with how much slipped out of the bottle.

John at least knew what came next, saving both of them from the embarrassment of saying 'stick it in’ or something of the sort, taking a lubed finger and brushing it over Alex's hole.

The puckered muscle reacted violently, clenching around nothing in a spams. John giggled, hearing Alex's whine. Again, he brushed it, sliding in his pointer, letting Alex get used to the feel. John wiggled it slightly, feeling Alex's walls tighten, and his body shift to take more. John laughed again,

“So impatient.” John sighed, moving it around inside.

“Please-” Alex choked, “your finger- please more!” His body quivering. John obliged, pulling his hand out so he could get the other one in. He eased them back in, already accustomed to the feeling of Alex's body around his fingers, fantasizing of what it would feel like to be on top for the first time.

Alex let out a loud moan, John's fingers scissoring him open, until he was loose enough to be ready. Alex was a sobbing mess beneath him, cursing and swearing he was ready, ready to take him.

“Have you ever bottomed?” Alex shook his head violently, no. John felt his heart stop. “This'll be our firsts.” He grinned excitedly.

Alex gave a shaky smile, lidded with pleasure, swallowing any other noise that threatened to escape.

John took his fingers out again, lining up over him. His hand was steady around his base, lining up with Alex's open hole.

“Ready-ready,  _ please. _ ” Alex cried, already pushing onto him.

John gave in, pushing himself all the way in, and stopping.  _ It was incredible.  _ It felt like his sense were on fire, body burning, pushing his hips a little further. Alex made a sloppy noise between a moan and a cry, clenching around John, but that only made it harder to stop.

Alex threw his head back, hitting the backboard with a loud thumb, followed by a small whine. His face was scrunched up, breathing small, almost non-existent.

“Alex, are you okay?” John questioned, tuck back a strand of Alex's hair.

“ _ Big _ .” Alex choked out, a groan laced in. “ _ So big. _ ” John took Alex's legs and wrapped them around his waist, confident with his movements. He stuffed a pillow under Alex's head. “Move- move, John!” Alex sobbed, thrusting back on John's cock.

It was almost too much of a sensory overload, the feeling of Alex working himself back on his dick, heart happy. He pushed in, groaning and pulling out.

Alex cried out happily, “ _ There, there, there!” _ he sobbed, assumingly hitting the small bundle of nerves. John gasped with Alex, bringing his mouth down for another kiss. They met in the middle, mouths tasting each other while John slammed into them, shaking the bed with a force neither of them knew he could muster.

They both felt a tight knot of pressure build between them, orgasms building in their grasp. Alex took John's hand and less it to his weeping cock, silently begging him to touch it.

He wrapped his warm fingers around it, the head slick with so much precome he used it to lube the way down, tugging at the base. He brought it back up, thumbing the head on more time, and Alex was coming.

His body spasmed, hole clenching around John so tight, he almost blacked out. He body stilled as Alex brought him to his, the ball releasing a white light being his eyes, pleasure coursing through him like lightning.

Alex shouted his name, kissing anything of John's he could touch, biting down as oversensitivity overcame him.

In sweet serenity, they came down from their highs, pulling each other tight. John pressed a kiss to Alex's forehead, come dripping from his hole, but neither cared.

The only sound was their breathing, heavy and rough, until it was broken by a sweet voice.

“I love you John. So, so much.” Alex wrapped his arms around him.

“I love you too Alex.” John tilted his head up, forcing a kiss to his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah this took me a while... Sorry. I get way to distracted way too easily.
> 
> <333


	4. We Know

* * *

Angelica and Eliza watched, hearts breaking.

They didn’t mean to walk in on them, but their hearts burned at what they saw- what they heard.

They had snuck into the house, quickly after John and Alex, hoping they didn’t hear them come through the front door. It was painful enough watching them at the theater, and the didn’t want to face him here too, but they didn’t have to heart to kick him out.

Angelica threw her purse on the couch after realizing they were in John and Peggy’s bedroom. She sighed, sitting down next to it, Eliza following. She sat curtly, body stiff.

“You promised you’d talk about it later.” Angelica pushed, sitting up. Eliza nodded, tears already in her eyes.

“Do you remember a couple days ago- at the bar.”

Angelica felt a pang through her heart, making her jump.

_I’ll remember that night for the rest of my days._ “I do.”

“Remember how everyone wanted to dance with us?”

_I remember those stupid boys, trippin’ over themselves to win out praise._ “Yes.” Her voice was hoarse now, biting her lip to keep from crying. Angelica looked at Eliza, choking at what she saw. Eliza was curled around herself, arms tight around her chest, face red. She was crying so hard- _so silently_ , tears slipped down her own face. Eliza looked up, “I didn't want any of them. I only wanted one.”

“I know.” Angelica whispered, “you told me.” She sounded so _dead,_ lifeless. Nothing seemed to matter anymore.

Eliza met her gaze, shock grinding with the sadness. She gasped, covering her mouth with her hand, no longer bothering to wipe the tears off her faces.

Her eyes widened, ever so slightly, understanding passing, pausing, briefly between them. “You loved him too.” She whispered, voice no louder.

Angelica jumped the couch, taking the small girl in her arms. “But so did you. I could see it.” That only made the pain seizing her chest ache more, Eliza’s breath cutting short.

“Then why?” Angelica made a noise of confusion in her throat, “Why’d you let me have him?”

“Because you loved him! Eliza! I couldn’t take that away from you!” She shouted, instantly bringing her voice down, remembering who exactly was in the room next to them.

“But so did you! Why didn’t you keep him?” It sounded so _angry_ , but the emotion couldn’t be placed. It didn’t have one. It just _hurt_.

“Why didn’t you?” She cried back, falling to the floor. Angelica kneeled in front of her, letting her head fall onto the couch. “Why didn’t you.” she repeated, quieter.

“Because- John-!” She choked again, voice failing.

“Then you _understand_ .” Angelica’s voice strained, more tears falling. “ _Understand, Eliza_.”

Eliza did. _She wished she didn’t_ , but she did.

There was a silence, small and unsettling, resting over them like a blanket. Ice, forming around them. Almost as if on que, a thump and a yelp broke the silence, both girls instinctively jumped up. The jumped to the door, the only thing on their mind being that John might be hurt-

They stopped, right in front of the door. It was cracked open, barely, but enough to see.

Enough to hurt.

Both girls peaked in, seeing the boys, naked and giggling together. Alex was under John’s weight, arms wrapped around John’s neck, face scrunched up. His was holding his breath, Angelica could tell, the way his chest never unpuffed.

“Alex? Are you okay?” John questioned, tucking a strand of hair away from his face.

“ _Big-”_ Alex choked out, a groan laced in.

Angelica and Eliza knew they shouldn’t watch, but they couldn’t tear their eyes away. For _one reason only_.

Alex was on the bottom.

That small detail urged them to stay, to watch. And it _hurt_ , agonizing pain shooting so fast through Angelica she thought she might pass out.

They knew John like the back of their hands, and one thing was for sure, he was _submissive_ . A definite bottom, he always took, didn’t give. And that proved one thing. _Alex had the biggest heart._

He was letting John top, and they could see it. Let John take control, could stop if he needed to, catch his breath if he so wanted. Letting him know he was _not_ a toy, and was worth everything to him.

Eliza felt her heart _shatter_.

“Nonono-” She whispered, pulling herself away from the door. “No!” She cried, trying to keep herself quiet.

Angelica grabbed the girl, yanking her forwards. Soon the were out the door, the air cold on their stained cheeks. She didn’t know where they were going, or if they were coming back, and she didn’t _care_. All she could see was Eliza, all she could feel was pain, and all they needed to do was leave.

They ran, for so long, so far, so, so-

Angelica and Eliza stopped abruptly, crashing into something _heavy._ Her head hurt, tears still pouring from her eyes. She couldn’t see as she fell to the ground, gasping as she hit the cold cement.

Next to her she could hear Eliza follow, two more voices crying out as they fell. When she opened her eyes, a hand greeted her. He was tall, skin darker, hair… really puffy.

And she laughed.

Maybe it was hysterics, or everything finally breaking down, but it made her laugh. He made a face, helping her up, and she continued to laugh, falling into his chest. It felt right.

Eliza looked down at the girl she accidentally tackled… it was familiar. Her hair fell elegantly over one eye, the one she could see big, and made perfectly by makeup. Eliza felt her breath hitch, the brunette under her smiling. It looked too sweet for her appearance, like a little kid would look when they got a toy, off setting her sexy set-up.

“My name’s Maria.” She grinned, taking the hand Eliza offered.

“Eliza.”

“Are you okay?”

“I think my heart’s broken.” Eliza coughed, wiping her tears. She heard a laugh next to her, following the familiar sound of her sister. It didn’t make sense, but she looked at the man above her, smiling sheepishly confused. He shrugged to the girl beside her, taking Angelica in her arms.

“Are _you_ okay?”

“Absolutely not.”

Maria walked over to the man, and took his arm in her, linking their elebows. “This is Thomas.” Angelica giggled again,

“Like the train!” She shouted, drunk off sadness. No longer could they tell if she was upset, or upsetting.

And they laughed.

The man rolled his eyes, but it wasn’t harsh.  
“Exactly. But if you wouldn't mind-” His accent was thick. Southern.

Maria interjected, “Can we try to fix your hearts?” It sounded so sweet, so simply. And Eliza needed a little simplicity.

She answered for both of them, “I would like that.”

Especially if moving on would keep John happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Baaaaaaammm


End file.
